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Domestic Abuse

Topic Overview

Everyone gets angry from time to time. Anger and arguments are normal parts of healthy relationships. But anger that leads to threats, hitting, or hurting someone is not normal or healthy. This is a form of abuse. Physical, verbal, or sexual abuse is not okay in any relationship. When it occurs between spouses or partners or in a dating relationship, it is called domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse is also called intimate partner violence or domestic violence. It is not the same as an occasional argument. It is a pattern of abuse used by one person to control another.

In addition to violence between intimate partners:

Each year, women experience about 4.8 million intimate-partner-related physical assaults and rapes. Men are the victims of about 2.9 million intimate-partner-related physical assaults. It can happen to anyone, at any age, no matter what race or religion people are, no matter what their level of education is or how much money they make.

Signs of abuse

Does your partner:

  • Embarrass you with put-downs?
  • Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
  • Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
  • Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
  • Take your money or paychecks, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
  • Make all of the decisions?
  • Tell you that you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
  • Prevent you from working or going to school?
  • Act like the abuse is no big deal or is your fault, or even deny doing it?
  • Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
  • Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
  • Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
  • Threaten to commit suicide?
  • Threaten to kill you?
  • Prevent you from using birth control or from protecting yourself from sexually transmitted infections (STIs)/HIV?

If any of these things are happening, you need to get help. It's important to know that you are not alone. The way your partner acts is not your fault. There is no excuse for domestic violence. Help is available.

Domestic abuse and your health

Living in an abusive relationship can cause long-term health problems. Some of these health problems include:

Women who are sexually abused by their partners have a greater chance of having sexually transmitted infections, unwanted pregnancies, and other problems.

Violence can get worse during pregnancy. Abused women are more likely to have problems such as low weight gain, anemia, infections, and bleeding during pregnancy. Abuse during this time may increase the baby's risk of low birth weight, premature birth, or death.

How to get help

Abusers often blame the victim for the abuse. They may say "you made me do it." This is not true. People are responsible for their own actions. They may say they are sorry and tell you it will never happen again, even though it already has.

After abuse starts, it usually gets worse if you don't take steps to stop it. If you are in an abusive relationship, ask for help. This may be hard, but know that you are not alone. Your family; friends; fellow church members; employer; doctor; or local YMCA, YWCA, police department, hospital, or clinic can help you. These national hotlines can help you find resources in your area. Call:

  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233), or see the website at www.ndvh.org.
  • The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline toll-free at 1-866-331-9474 or (1-866-331-8453 TTY).
  • The Childhelp Line toll-free at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), or see the website at www.childhelp.org.

Check your symptoms to decide if and when you should see a doctor or get other help.

Check Your Symptoms

Home Treatment

After abuse starts, it usually gets worse if steps are not taken to stop it. If you are in an abusive relationship, ask for help. This may be hard, but know that you are not alone. Help is available. Call:

  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233), or see the website at www.ndvh.org.
  • The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline toll-free at 1-866-331-9474 or (1-866-331-8453 TTY).
  • The Childhelp Line toll-free at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), or see the website at www.childhelp.org.

If you feel threatened, it is very important to develop a plan for dealing with a threatening situation. If your partner has threatened to harm you or your child, seek help.

  • Anytime you are in danger, call 911.
  • If you do not have a safe place to stay, tell a friend, a religious counselor, or your doctor. Do not feel that you have to hide what is happening.
  • Have a plan for how to leave your house, where to go, and where to stay in case you need to get out quickly. Do not tell your partner about your plan.
  • For more help in developing your plan, call:
    • The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233), or see the website at www.ndvh.org.
    • Your local YMCA, YWCA, police department, hospital, or clinic for the local crisis line or for names of shelters and safe homes near you.

Here are some other things you can do:

  • If you are seeing a counselor, be sure to go to all appointments.
  • Teach your children how to call for help in an emergency.
  • Be alert to warning signs, such as threats or drinking. This can help you avoid danger.
  • If you can, make sure that there are no guns or other weapons in your home.
  • If you are working, contact your human resources department or employee assistance program to find out what help is available to you.

If you are no longer living with a violent partner, contact the police to get a restraining order if your abuser continues to pursue you, threaten you, or act violently toward you.

If you have been a victim of abuse and continue to have problems related to the abuse, you may have depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). For more information, see the topics Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

If you know someone who may be abused

Here are some things you can do to help a friend or family member.

  • Let your friend know that you are willing to listen whenever she or he wants to talk. Don't confront your friend if she or he is not ready to talk. Encourage your friend to talk with her or his health professional, human resources manager, and supervisor to see what resources might be available.
  • Tell your friend that the abuse is not her or his fault and that no one deserves to be abused. Remind your friend that domestic violence is against the law and that help is available. Be understanding if she or he is unable to leave. Your friend knows the situation best and when it is safest to leave.
  • If your friend has children, gently point out that you are concerned that the violence is affecting them. Many people do not understand that their children are being harmed until someone else talks about this concern.
  • Encourage and help your friend develop a plan for staying safe while in an abusive relationship. Help if she or he is preparing to leave a violent relationship. Learn about how the person can stay safe after leaving.
  • The most dangerous time for your friend may be when she or he is leaving the abusive relationship, so any advice about leaving must be informed and practical.

The most important step is to help your friend contact local domestic violence groups. There are programs across the country that provide options for safety, support, needed information and services, and legal support. To find the nearest program, call:

  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233), or see the website at www.ndvh.org.
  • The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline toll-free at 1-866-331-9474 or (1-866-331-8453 TTY).

Symptoms to watch for during home treatment

If problems from domestic abuse become more frequent or severe, call your doctor to determine if and when you need to see your doctor or get other help.

Prevention

To prevent injury from domestic violence

It's also important to watch for signs of teen relationship abuse in your teen so you can help him or her with any problems.

Preparing For Your Appointment

To prepare for your appointment, see the topic Making the Most of Your Appointment.

If you have made an appointment with your doctor, you may be able to get the most from your visit by being prepared to answer the following questions:

Domestic violence

  • Have you ever been emotionally or physically abused by your partner or someone important to you? When was the last time this happened?
  • Have you been hit, slapped, kicked, or otherwise physically hurt by someone? What kind of injuries do you have? Did you seek medical treatment for the injuries? When and where?
  • How long has someone else's violent behavior made you feel afraid or threatened?
  • Has anyone forced you to have sexual activities?
  • Does your partner control most or all of your activities every day?
  • Has your partner threatened violence against your children? Is he or she violent toward your children?
  • Has your partner hurt a pet or destroyed things that belong to you?
  • Does your partner use alcohol or legal or illegal drugs? Does the abuse happen when the abuser is drunk or "high"?
  • Does your partner have access to guns or other violent weapons?
  • Has your partner ever been diagnosed with depression or a mental illness, such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or personality disorder?
  • Do you have any risk factors?

Other Places To Get Help

Book

Family and Friends' Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk and Take Action When Someone You Care About Is Being Abused
Author/Editor: E. Weiss
Publisher: Volcano Press
P.O. Box 270
Volcano, CA  95689
Publication Date: 2003
 

This book provides information for family and friends on how to help victims of domestic violence.

Organizations

Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street
Suite 304
San Francisco, CA  94103-5133
Phone: (415) 252-8900
Fax: (415) 252-8991
TDD: 1-800-595-4889
Email: info@endabuse.org
Web Address: www.endabuse.org
 

The Family Violence Prevention Fund (FVPF) works to prevent violence within the home and in the community. The organization promotes leadership within communities to transform the way health professionals, police, judges, employers, and others deal with violence. FVPF has programs specifically related to children, health, immigrant women, teens, the workplace, and other communities that are affected by violence.


National Center for Victims of Crime
2000 M Street NW
Suite 480
Washington, DC  20036
Phone: (202) 467-8700
Fax: (202) 467-8701
TDD: 1-800-211-7996
Email: gethelp@ncvc.org
Web Address: www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbID=dash_Home
 

The National Center for Victims of Crime is a resource and advocacy organization for crime victims. The Center provides direct services and resources, advocates for laws and policies to secure the rights of crime victims, delivers training and support to victim service organizations, counselors, attorneys, criminal justice agencies, and other professionals to help victims regain control of their lives.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
1 Broadway
Suite B210
Denver, CO  80203
Phone: (303) 839-1852
Fax: (303) 831-9251
TDD: (303) 839-1681
Email: mainoffice@ncadv.org
Web Address: www.ncadv.org
 

NCADV's work includes coalition building at the local, state, regional and national levels; support for the provision of community-based, nonviolent alternatives (such as safe home and shelter programs) for battered women and their children; public education and technical assistance; policy development and innovative legislation; focus on the leadership of NCADV's caucuses developed to represent the concerns of organizationally under represented groups; and efforts to eradicate social conditions that contribute to violence against women and children.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
TDD: 1-800-787-3224
Email: ndvh@ndvh.org (email is not confidential or secure)
Web Address: www.ndvh.org
 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers crisis intervention, information about domestic violence, and referrals to local service providers for victims of domestic violence (men, women, and teens) and those calling on their behalf. The hotline is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, in English, Spanish, and other languages. The hotline connects callers to more than 4,000 shelters and service providers in the United States, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

Credits

By Healthwise Staff
Primary Medical Reviewer William H. Blahd, Jr., MD, FACEP - Emergency Medicine
Specialist Medical Reviewer Brigid McCaw, MD, MS, MPH, FACP - Family Violence Prevention
Specialist Medical Reviewer H. Michael O'Connor, MD - Emergency Medicine
Last Revised December 23, 2011

Last Revised: December 23, 2011

Author: Healthwise Staff

Medical Review: William H. Blahd, Jr., MD, FACEP - Emergency Medicine & Brigid McCaw, MD, MS, MPH, FACP - Family Violence Prevention & H. Michael O'Connor, MD - Emergency Medicine

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